Alive and Sad: Sadness and Depression
There are indications that China, along with the rest of the world, is becoming more open to accepting mental health as an important consideration in our lives. Discussions about psychological struggles have gotten deeper and better informed. Although the idea of depression is becoming a common part of the language, it is not a simple topic to understand or deal with. Misunderstanding about depression seems to be prevalent. Allow me to clear up one important issue: it is one thing to be depressed but quite another to be sad.
What’s the Difference?
The experience of depression is that of becoming “less than what we were.” In depression we have misplaced much of what we need to be energetic and optimistic. On the other hand, sadness is about what is added to our lives. It is the human experience of feeling. Sadness, unlike depression, helps us to become more alive, and it enriches our human experience.
When we are depressed, we lose many things: our liveliness, our confidence, our emotional regulation, our sense of meaning, our desire to be around other people or do our normal activities, and sometimes even our desire to be alive. We lose physical vitality and our ease of living. Depression is about the shutting down of our life energy, of retreating inside of our foggy thinking and feeling, of becoming focused only on ourselves and “how bad we feel.”
Sadness on the other hand is about being more alive, about really feeling the human pain of loss, the sweet sorrow of a goodbye, or the privileged sharing of another’s struggles. Without feelings such as sadness or fear or anger or joy – all of which are very natural and normal – I don’t how we would even be certain we were alive!
When we spend much of our lives trying to run away from “aliveness” and hide inside some sort of protected isolation where we are shielded from ourselves and the world. Addictions, obsessions, compulsive behaviors, physical symptoms, blaming, “being right,” disconnecting from others, not being “in the moment,” and various other strategies all work to keep us from acknowledging and letting go of our feelings. From a clinical perspective, depression also helps people hide from having to feel. And when we are withdrawn in our depression – retreating angrily into our victimized caves – we are less than alive
Sadness, on the other hand, helps us to see ourselves, to feel, to experience, to reveal who we are, to be connected to the world. It is not the opposite of happiness. Rather, sadness and happiness can live side by side with no inconsistency. I can feel the sadness of separation but still participate in my life and find rewards in my day. I can carry sadness in my heart from old losses but still get on with life.
Depression as Retreat
So why does depression develop and what makes it such a popular destination in our modern world? Well, nobody really knows the answer to that, but we can surmise a few things. For example, some people have a strong desire (for various reasons, which often include a sense of helplessness) to retreat from the world. Having symptoms of depression is a very effective way to do this; others seek to gain a benefit from their depressions, such as getting attention or having an excuse to avoid something or someone.
One idea in modern psychology is that us humans are simply not designed to live as fast, as complicated, as stimulated, as stressed out, or even as long as we do now. We are physically, psychologically, and emotionally programmed for a much different lifestyle – more suited to live together with a small number of people, to experience our feelings as natural tools of awareness, and to follow the rhythms of life, from the seasons, to the phases of the moon, to the acceptance of life and death.
Another interesting modern phenomenon is the temptation to indulge in our feelings, to squeeze out every last drop of attention (in the form of self-pity, helplessness, blame, etc.) so that we can create ever more internal stories for why our lives are so terrible. We can indulge in our sadness or our depression just as we can indulge in ice cream or television. Indulgence is a hollowness of feeling, without substance, without being present in the experience.
If we lose something or someone dear to us, our sadness may linger inside for years. This sadness appears initially in the foreground of our consciousness but then gradually recedes to the background. We can experience this sadness from time to time, like visiting an old room in our house. But lingering too long in that room could become an excuse. And if we linger and lose ourselves in our indulgence, we may eventually turn from healthy sadness into the helplessness of depression – which, though it may not be comfortable, can be familiar. That is why, like horses going back to a burning barn, we follow habitual and unhealthy patterns.
Simply Pay Attention
Depression, like all internal processes, is self-inflicted. We do it to ourselves; nobody can do it to us. Therefore, if we depress ourselves, and thus give away much of who we were, regaining our state of ease requires that we take steps to reclaim what we’ve abandoned: our energy and optimism and such. However, at times, our mind and body fight against our best efforts. In these cases, we have a real test because simply engaging our will to overcome depression becomes difficult indeed.
The world of therapy and medicine – both Eastern and Western – is full of helpful (and sometimes not-so-helpful) ideas and strategies for moving out of our depression caves. If you find an effective pathway to feeling better, try to remember those lessons because you might encounter depression again, and it helps to remember the escape route you used previously.
However, I’d like to offer one specific suggestion. It’s actually rather simple: Start by paying attention to your life. Be mindful. By this I mean that we should pay attention to the little things – each moment in time, whatever is in your visual field, the person you are with, the task at hand – one at a time.
For example, if you seem to have some symptoms of depression (or anxiety, depression’s twin sister) when you wake up in the morning, focus your mind on one mission: a shower, for example. Let everything else disappear from your mind. Focus – like a heart surgeon – on what you are doing. Your mission is to have a shower. Pay attention – water, soap, shampoo. Then, focus on the next mission – getting dressed, then breakfast, or going down in the elevator. At the bus stop, pay attention to where you are, to your environment, the people – focus. Break up your day into little manageable moments. Worrying does not fix problems; it only creates a busy, stressful mind and body.
From a modern day science perspective, “mindfulness” is effective because it retrains our brain cells and allows us to let go of old learning. On a very practical level, paying attention allows us to let go of unnecessary worry and brain clutter and come back to the present (which is all we really have anyway). And actually, if we are fully present, most moments of our lives are just fine, not nearly as horrific as we have made them out to be. Most importantly, mindfulness enables us to authentically be with people, to listen, to respond from our heart, and to refuse to simply go through the motions.
My one warning though is to be careful with this. If you start to engage with your life energy, you will feel open and vulnerable with your feelings. That authentic sort of experience is unfamiliar and a little disconcerting to many people. So when that happens, take a deep and full breath and flow along with your feelings and thoughts. Whatever is happening for you now will change; that is guaranteed. Feelings, awareness, engagement…it’s how we know we’re truly alive!
