Anger Management and Anger Resolution

I don’t like the word “control” when talking about emotions. We can’t choose how we feel; we just do. There was a time in my life when I was working for the U.S. court system and had inmates referred to me for “anger management.” I told them that I wasn’t there to get rid of their anger because anger sometimes serves a healthy purpose (like protecting someone you love from harm). But it is important to learn to manage the anger and resolve it in healthy ways.

Anger Types

Everyone has remarkably similar physical responses to anger. Blood pressure rises, facial expressions change, adrenaline pumps. From experience, I’ve noticed four general styles of anger:

1. Passive – You don’t want to rock the boat or lose the relationship, so you don’t say anything and hold your anger inside. This type of anger can have a lot of negative physical consequences (e.g., ulcers, cancer, etc.).
2. Violent – You yell, scream and often have tendencies toward physical violence. Vandalism and abuse are often the result of this type of anger.
3. Passive-aggressive – Your anger is expressed indirectly (e.g., spread rumors, slit tires, guilt trips, etc.).
4. Healthy – You do not raise your voice. Instead, you state the reason for your anger and give the perpetrator a chance to apologize/explain the situation. This expression of anger also helps you regulate your emotional state.

“Temper” Your Temper: Make Connections

Generally, the best way to “temper” anger is to make social connections. Dr. Daniel J. Siegel[1] – child psychiatrist and clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California, Los Angeles, School of Medicine – said, “From early infancy, it appears that our ability to regulate emotional states depends upon the experience of feeling that a significant person in our life is simultaneously experiencing a similar state of mind.”  Studies have shown that people in convertibles experience less road rage than people in sedans with tinted windows. Why? Because convertibles give you a stronger sense that you are being watched by other people, and being able to see the person you’re angry with keeps you from objectifying or dehumanizing him/her. Additionally, people who are good at regulating their anger are good at regulating other emotions when they become too intense.

Healthy expressions of displeasure are much more helpful than trying to hold it in. When I’m upset by an unexpected event perpetrated by a stranger, I express my displeasure in a humorous way and with a smile so that I make sure to connect with the perpetrator. When I’m upset by a loved one, I make sure to deal with the issue in person so that the connection helps to preserve the relationship. When I get upset by an email or something online, the worst thing would be to send an immediate angry response. If the offense threatens a relationship you consider important, it’s generally good to deal with the conflict in person, again, to make that connection with both your words and body language. So much of the context of communication is lost in cyberspace.

Faulty Alternatives

Many people have heard it said that hitting a pillow or working out their frustrations is a good way to manage anger. Giving physical release to anger is called catharsis. Catharsis provides temporary relief, but it doesn’t resolve the anger. In the 1970s, there was treatment for anger called primal scream therapy,[2] which encouraged people to vent their frustrations with a primal scream. However, practitioners found that people started becoming addicted to the method without resolving the root of their anger. When primal scream therapy sessions were unexpectedly canceled, participants found that their anger was activated and felt helpless with their increased level of activation.

Others have suggested counting to 10 or focusing on breathing as ways to manage anger. These methods have proved effective for delaying immediate, angry, unwise responses. However, the anger still needs to be resolved. Empathy from others, making meaningful social connections, is widely recognized as the best way to resolve anger.[3]

Express Empathy

So the next time you get stood up, don’t write an angry email or give your friend the cold shoulder. Approach her, tell her (without raising your voice) how angry you are and why, and give her a chance to explain what happened. The next time your 18-month old throws something in frustration, don’t point at him harshly and say, “No!” Try to understand his frustration and express empathy for his feelings.

You can’t control anger, but you can channel and resolve it. Show some empathy, and seek it out when you need it for yourself. During the hot summer months, we certainly don’t need any more heat.

[1] Dr. Siegel wrote a helpful book that touches on this topic called The Whole Brain Child (Delacorte Press, 2011. Authors: Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson)

[2] Shectman F (March 1977). “Conventional and contemporary approaches to psychotherapy. Freud meets Skinner, Janov, and others”. Am Psychol 32 (3): 197–204

[3] This is one of my favorite articles on this topic: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lets-connect/200911/enjoying-your-emotions