Working Together Is Hard Work: Coworker Relations

One of the most common sources of stress today is problematic coworker relations. Conflicts arise all the time, between peers, colleagues, managers and subordinates. Workplace relationships can be the paragon of teamwork but can conversely cause incredible anxiety and frustration.

If you don’t read the rest of this article, I’m going to give you the silver bullet right now. To smooth over all interpersonal relationships at the workplace, all you need is to listen and understand.

Most difficulties occur because of poor communication. If you take the time to understand clearly what someone’s trying to say and what the motivations are for his/her behavior, you’d be surprised how many problems disappear.

There are three main categories of workplace relationships I’d like to discuss: you and your peers, you and your manager, and your and your subordinates. True listening and understanding apply equally well to all three types of relationships.

1) You and your peers

When you collaborate with your coworkers on a project, you can listen superficially to their input, or you can really listen. Obviously, “really listening” is the best option. Take the time to understand your collaborators’ needs, where they’re at in their personal or professional growth, what their actual function is at work and on this project, etc.

Though glossing over these considerations may seem more efficient, you miss understanding what’s important to other people. It’s the process of trying to understand that helps build relationships the right way.

Sometimes, what seems to be efficient can compromise efficacy. If you take the shortest path to finishing the project and steamroll everyone else in the process, you miss out on real collaboration and end up with a result no one’s really happy with…not to mention all the relationships you’ve destroyed in the process.

2) You and your subordinates

I see a lot of families (which, incidentally, experience many similar types of issues that coworkers do), and I often bring up this phrase: Rules without relationship equals rebellion. All relationships can benefit from this wisdom, but relationships with subordinates might benefit from it even more.

With subordinates, relationships are extremely important. The health of your relationship with your subordinates is a pretty good indicator of their willingness to cooperate with you on your next assignment. Moreover, building relationships is the only way you can accurately pick up on non-verbal communication.

Psychologists know that 50% to 70% of all messages are conveyed nonverbally. WHAT a person is saying is not nearly as important as HOW they’re saying it. Again, take the time to really listen to your subordinates. Make good eye contact with them when you converse. Learn to understand how their feelings affect their motivations and energy levels.

3) You and your manager

It’s not healthy for any organization to have administrators who don’t listen well. Almost everyone has had difficult or demanding bosses who add a lot of stress to our lives. The best advice I have for these situations is to stand your ground and be direct.

If your boss is asking something of you that you feel is unreasonable, stand your ground in a polite way. Listening and understanding are just as important in these relationships as in any other. Ask questions to learn what’s important to your boss. Understanding your boss’s motivations and objectives can do a lot to smooth the friction between you.

For example, if you boss asks you to do a project with unreasonable parameters or expectations, you could try asking why this project is important to him/her. Try to get your boss to articulate his/her objectives for the project and what the benefits would be for all the project’s stakeholders.

When it comes to any relationship – but especially relationships with bosses – it’s always good to be direct. Put the fish on the table. If there’s an issue, don’t keep silent about it because your frustration will inevitably affect your work and relationships – similar to how a fish could stink up a room even if it’s hidden. Discuss your frustrations with your boss and coworkers. Put the fish on the table so that everyone can cut it up and deal with it.

There are certainly situations in which the workplace can become toxic to your health and wellness. In those cases, it might be wise to find other employment. But don’t jump ship before trying to listen and understand. You’d be surprised how powerful these actions are.